My marriage advice….start thinking for two
As a couples therapist, I often get asked at family or friend gatherings about marriage advice. As I’ve pondered that question over the years, I now have a pretty good answer on what to tell those looking for a quick word of advice. My answer: Start thinking for two.
This concept comes from a world renowned relationship researcher, Dr. John Gottman. Put simply, thinking for two means that every thought you have takes into consideration both your and your partner’s needs. This can be as simple as deciding what to cook for dinner that week or how to decorate for Christmas. It can also be as big as how to spend your Christmas bonus, or how to parent kids. Oftentimes couples come into therapy and complain a lot about the actions of their partner- what they are or are not doing enough of. When one partner complains about the other leaving their dirty clothes on the floor, this concept comes up. When a partner complains about how one partner handles their in-laws, this concept comes up. It is a concept that really helps partners look outside of their own experience and consider things from their partners perspective.
Thinking for two is a choice to, when alone, have your spouse be a constant presence on your mind. In doing so, the decisions that you make on your own are for the benefit of the both of you.
The key element here is that thinking for two is a choice. It is not something that happens as soon as you get married or become a couple. It isn’t even something that happens after you’ve been together for a decade or two. Thinking for two is a choice that you make every day.
How to get better at thinking for two:
Remind yourself why. I want to think for two because I dearly love my partner, and their happiness is of great importance to me. I know how much they feel loved when I consider them in the daily choices that I make.
Practice mindfulness. In the hustle and bustle of life, it can be really easy to quickly rush our way through life and decisions and perhaps make quick, thoughtless decisions which may not include our partner.
Commit to each other to do it together. If this is a new concept for your relationship, discuss how the both of you can think for two, together. Burn out in a relationship can happen if you are always giving and never receiving. Deciding together to think for two can enhance intimacy and trust in the relationship.
Most importantly, find a way to connect each day. Even a few minutes at the end of the day can help you continue to facilitate connection.
